There are so many known words for it

yet so few known uses,

but I’m going to describe some,

from storage to juices.

We have the obvious used terms,

 like pussy and beaver,

but then there’s

pothole, abyss and penis receiver;

cunt, quim, vagina, axe wound and gash,

afro clam, arbour, baby cave, snatch.

Sausage wallet, Taco, fadge ‘n kitty cat

sideways smile, hooha, yoni and twat;

noonie, pooter, mossy cottage, clunge ‘n muff,

money maker, piss flaps, poonani and duff.

Poontang, man trap, love tunnel and it

fur burger, fuck hole, dew flap ‘n downy bit

 

Whatever you call it and however it looks,

the stuff you can use it for ain’t told in books.

Again, there’s the obvious, like for making love,

but, if cold, you can always use it as a glove.

Its primary uses are for peeing or reproduction

but other times it’s for fisting or violent destruction.

You can hide things in it and smuggle dodgy goods;

you can hide small diamonds under the hood.

You can fill it full of air then push on the stomach-of-her,

pushing the air out through a harmonica;

You can put grapes in until the skin starts to peel,

you can use it to defrost things prior to a meal.

If you’re a man you can use it to relieve yourself;

if you’re a woman you can use it to retrieve your wealth.

 

If you’re a deviant character, like me,

you’ll use if for something, like comedy -

you’ll shave the top, the bottom and both sides

into eyelashes around one central eye,

or you can talk and wiggle or jiggle each flap,

so when you mimic its voice, it looks like it talks back.

You can put a paint brush in it and squat over a canvas,

paint a masterpiece of the Greek horse Pegasus.

You can use it to entice the enemy to bed,

you can spend a week every month painting things red

and if you’re one of those musical girls,

blessed with a gaping one,

you can beat on the top of it like an acoustic drum.

If you’re really unfortunate and have no limbs,

you can train the lips to help you pick up things;

clamp the lips around something

like a chess piece

and when you want to put it down,

tense and release.

You can learn to launch various things from it.

It could perform a pantomime like Wallis and Grommet.

If there are extra bits on it,

that look like donner meat.,

you could give it to the dog as something to eat.

You could invent a new event for it, at the Olympics,

involving a javelin, a shot put and call it quim-tricks.

You could tickle its clit to make it sneeze

and evaluate expelled liquid

for exotic disease.

But it is most informative when it's fast asleep -

sneak up with a ruler on little BoPeep’s,

measure its width and document how deep

then compare it with the measurements you took from her sheep.

 

Whatever you use it for

and however you treat it,

remember it’s where you came from

before you eat it;

remember its uses for when there’s nothing to do,

but whatever you use it for,

don’t involve glue.